It has been so long since I have posted in my blog. My hope is to use this blog to not only give more frequent updates about my life, but to also use it to express my thoughts about my walk with God. Enjoy...
Going back in time...My mom past away just over a year ago, July 6, 2012 to be exact. She and I did not have a typical mother daughter relationship. She drank, my whole life, and abused me, in my younger years. It took me 30 years to overcome the damage that was done. So many emotions overcome a daughter who goes through such a raw relationship with their mother as I have. I resented her, questioned her, was mad at her, spoke ill about her...I could continue the list, but this is not my focus. When my husband told me she had passed away I did not know what to feel or really how to feel about the news. We were in such different places at that time and I had not talked to her in over 6 months (it had been a year prior to the 6 months). After processing the news for about 30 minutes the only thing I could think of was, "I wonder if she is going to heaven." I did not have an answer and that is when I became upset. How would I ever know if my mom made it to heaven. Had she done too many bad things? Was her heart right with God? Did she love Jesus?
The following morning I drove an hour and a half to her home to help plan the arrangements. During the drive God spoke to me telling me I needed to speak at the funeral. I said, "No way. What would I ever say?" I did not think about the request again for several hours. Planning a funeral is such a daunting task...it is like planning a wedding except it is a sad time and you only have 3 days to plan. So many emotions overcame my sister and I through the process. We were so lost as to how to plan a funeral for someone who was so broken.
That evening I was sitting on the bed and God told me again I needed to speak at my mom's funeral. I said,"Okay God I hear you, but you are going to have to show me what I am to say." I researched some poems and inspirational quotes, prayed about it and and then it hit me. The most perfect poem ever that embodied her struggle but also pointed out such beauty, so I agreed to speak. During that same Saturday evening a thought came to me to attend my mom's old church the next morning. God was speaking! See I had gone there with her when she was on an up swing in her life, maybe 7 years ago. I remember the joy she had that day. It was something I had only seen a few times in my entire 36 years she was alive. My sister and I went the following morning. What a beautiful service. We stayed and spoke with the pastor and came to find he knew my mom. He loved my mom. He talked about her struggles and how she so desired God to be in her life. He prayed with us and happily agreed to lead her service.
The following day we met with the pastor and he shared how my mom helped at the soup kitchen for the homeless on a regular basis when she attended church. He spoke about how loving and friendly she was. He believed she was a godly women who was fighting to live a godly life. He shared how she struggled with hating herself almost her whole life. He talked about her battle with being an alcoholic and her attempt to clean herself of the disease (she never did get rid of it). He shared that she tried to be better, she wanted to be better, and that she was devastated that she could not be better.
We took her bible with us to the meeting and looked through it to see if she had left behind any marked favorite stories or scriptures. We thought these could help us plan the funeral. We looked and discovered she had highlighted many parts of Job...so very fitting. She knew her struggles, but she still tried to love God and do her best. God was again speaking!
The pastor created a lovely service. He recommended the song "I Can Only Imagine" by Mercy Me. We also thought "Amazing Grace" would be a good song because it fit her life story so well. My sister and I thought it would be great if someone could dance during one of the songs (we had seen a dance team perform at the Sunday service). He said that would be perfect, as when my mom attended church 7 years ago she so loved when the dance team performed during Sunday morning worship. God was speaking! After our meeting we went to pick up the memorial bookmarks from the funeral home. I reviewed them and noticed something. I asked the funeral director if he had talked to the preacher that day. He said he had and shared that they worked out a plan for the wake and memorial service. I asked him if the pastor shared with him any of the scripture or readings we were planning to do during the service he said no. I turned over the bookmark and show it to him. I said, "You know this is the poem I am reading tomorrow during the service." He said he had no idea and that he just picked it from a bank of over 100 poems. Of over 100 poems he picked the one God led me to. God was speaking!
We planned such a special service and God led us through the entire process. He spoke in ways I had not known He could. He gave us peace and comfort. My mom was so broken here on earth and she knew it. She tried to fight, but she was unable to break away from the demons that controlled her. Even though she was so broken she knew God still loved her and He was willing to take her just as she was. Sadly, I can't say the same for myself. I do not dwell on could of been or the should have. Instead I focus on the peace God granted me during those days. Remember my question from the beginning of the story? Well I got my answer loud and clear while planning my mom's funeral. She got her wings! What an amazing God we serve.
Still to this day I marvel and how God spoke to me and my sister. It is almost impossible to put into words. God knew what we needed and He provided us with the great gift of closure. If you are interested below is the poem I read: #saywhat?
When I Am Gone
Wow! What a moving testimony. I pray that you have come to some level of peace. Forgiveness is one of the best gifts we can give others as well as the hardest thing. I praise God for the courage and resilience he gave you.
ReplyDeleteWendy (Prayer Warrior for OBS)